Most children who are not adopted or part of a blended family just naturally attached with their parents.  This happens at feedings, rocking at night, talking to the child and meeting their needs.  Unfortunately not all children start life that way and when they don’t there will be issues later.

As most of my readers know we adopted our two kids.  What is amazing to me is even though they came into our homes at 13 months and 16 months we never knew what attachment was and did not realize what a big role it would play in our lives.  Blended families can have the same problem when a new parent comes into the lives of a child though most times if a child attaches with someone they can attach throughout their lives to others even in a blended family later in life.

With Robbie, our first he came to us as a foster child and we were very fortunate to have the supports given to us by many agencies and one person in particular who spent time even at our house helping us learn about attachment exercises.  Even after doing that for years with Robbie I did not realize when Arika came to live with us that she needed that too until she was much older.

So below are some things I learned throughout the years that can help anyone in our situation or just wanting to be closer to their children:

1. It is never too late to start building a secure relationship.

   • I remember thinking with Arika it is too late, she is not a baby anymore so how do we do this.  I am here to tell you it can happen but it takes work sometimes a lot of work.

2.  Take them back to Birth

   • With Robbie this was easier.  He was still young enough to rock in my lap and bring back a pacifier so we could “re-do” what was missing when he was a child.

3. Make it a game

   • The most important part of attachment is eye contact.  So we did starring games.  They had to hold our hands and look in our eyes and see how long they could hold eye contact.  They thought it was fun and it taught them a lot.  We always rewarded them with something if they went longer than last time.  As Arika got older we let her do my makeup.  It would force her to look in my eye when she was doing my eye shadow.

4. Oral is just as important as eyes

   • Just like eye are important so is the act of “sucking”  Keep in mind you are normally rocking a baby when feeding.  This is why we gave the pacifier back to Robbie.  As the kids got older, or for Arika we used lollypops or gum when doing it.  This produced similar effects.  So we would do the “eye game” but always with something in their mouths.

5. Other things to try

   • Start with being together. Find proximity–literally–and engage the senses. Spend regular time together and focus on physical connection like play, wrestling, hair styling, hugging, massages, back rubs, roughhousing, foot rubs, cuddling on the couch while you watch TV, or laying next to each other in bed while you read. Just be together. Find times when you can close the physical distance between you and your child. We used to put cream on Arika to help sooth her as part of attachment
   • Find your “samesies.” Discover what you have in common. In our family, we play a game at dinner where we ask questions and raise our hands. It’s a little campy. We laugh. “Who likes fishing? Who needs quiet time every day? Who has socks on? Who can hold their breath for 30 seconds?” It helps us become aware of each other–our interests, talents, personalities, similarities (and uniqueness). Find moments to discover how you are the same.
   • Let them know you are thinking of them. Some of this is easier for younger children.  I would leave love notes in their lunch.  We would “tattoo” each other with markers and then when we were apart we could remember each other. For Arika, as she did not like this, I gave her a special necklace that had half a heart and I had the other half.  I told her she always has my heart.
   • Value their significance. Every person needs to know that they matter and they belong. Encourage kids to contribute to the family household and acknowledge their efforts. Let your child know how much he is appreciated.  “Thank you…I appreciate the work you did so much…This really helps our family…I couldn’t have done this without you!”

When the kids started to drive us crazy, and even to this day, we up the attachment.  It does help.  I have found it helps most when you want to do it the least.  That is when they need you more than ever!

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